My sweet Nana passed away on November 25th. For the last few years, my Grandma has been struggling with severe back pain, and was dealing with memory loss. They had been unable to really find the cause of her pain, but would give her steroid shots periodically to help manage the pain. It made me so sad to hear that she was in pain, and that nothing was really being done to alleviate that. She wasn't a fan of going to the doctor, which was also probably part of the problem. Her health was quickly declining though. Towards the end of my pregnancy, we would talk on the phone and have cyclical conversations. My Grandpa would eventually get on the phone and make a comment about how Grandma was forgetting things. I know that he was frustrated, but it just broke my heart. My Nana was one of the strongest people that I knew, and I could tell how frustrating it was for her that she couldn't remember certain things. Sometimes, when I could tell that she was confused, she would say, "I'll let you talk to Grandpa now."
With the decline in her health, my Mom and her sisters started talking about how to care for their Mom. Grandpa was taking over a lot of the household responsibilities, but he felt that he couldn't do it much longer. My Grandma was forgetting where the bathroom was, and as a result, was having accidents throughout the house. Seriously, getting old can be the worst. I really hope my parents don't have to suffer through memory loss.
When my grandparents made it down to St. George in October, they went to see their doctors. After doing numerous tests on my Grandma, they found out that she had Stage 4 Kidney Cancer, which had also spread to her liver and her bones. She was in the hospital, and was taking blood thinners due to a blood clot in her lungs. Basically, the doctors told them that she would maybe live for 3-4 more weeks. The doctor also told them that since bone cancer was the most painful type of cancer, he recommended taking her off the blood thinners and basically letting her pass. The thought of not even trying to help her is seriously so sad, but then again, she was in so much pain and her prognosis was not good. They didn't think she would even be able to make it through any type of chemo or radiation.
My parents were already planning on going to St George for the week of Thanksgiving, but as they made the drive, my Mom shared with me that she was scared she wouldn't even make it before her Mom passed. The thought broke my heart. Well, they made it there and my Mom had some priceless time with my Nana before she slipped away. I was able to FaceTime with her one afternoon, and she just looked so frail. She acted like she knew who I was, but I am not sure if it was because my Mom had told her that it was me. I guess she didn't even recognize my Mom the night her and my Dad arrived. But she did recognize my Dad, which was interesting.
My Mom stayed with my Grandma 2 or 3 nights, and would help her calm down again when she would get agitated in her sleep. Despite how hard that was, my Mom said that she is so grateful for that special time with her mother. Life really is so precious and we can't take it for granted. I have always had a very special relationship with Nana and my heart aches just thinking about her loss.
During her final week, my cousin Brittany, who lives in St George, went to the hospital and took pictures of the family. When I saw these pictures, I just sobbed. It was hard to see a frailer version of my sweet Nana, but she looked so beautiful. I would have given anything to hug her one last time. One memory that I love of her is when she would sing "A Bushel and A Peck" to me. Ever since I was little, I remember her hugging me in her kitchen in Wyoming and, while swaying me back and forth, singing that song. When Brooke was little, I started singing that song to her. One evening, Brooke started singing it to Colby. I took a little video and sent it to my Mom. While she was with Nana, she showed her the video, and Nana kept singing the song. Over the course of that week, my Mom told me that tons of family members saw the video, and that they all sang it to her several times a day. My Aunt included that little story on the back of the funeral program to show that little bits of my Grandma were being passed down to the great grandchildren.
Melanie called me one afternoon, and was so sweet to help me look into flights, shuttles, etc. She even offered to let me use her flight miles to cover the cost of a flight. In the end, I just felt unsettled about traveling. When I talked to Kevin about it again that night, he kinda had tears in his eyes and said that he didn't want something to happen to his baby boy. If I wanted to go, that was totally fine, but he didn't want Colby going. Well, me and Colby are kind of a package deal due to breastfeeding, so I made the decision to stay home. I knew that my Grandpa would understand, but it was still really hard to know that I wouldn't be there. I wanted to be there for him, for my Mom, and also for myself. I guess I just wanted that closure. My Nana will always hold such a special place in my heart. She had a heart of gold, was so talented, gentle, patient, and kind. She made me feel like I was so special, which always meant the world to me.
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