Angel Baby

This is probably the hardest thing I have ever gone through, but I am finding that it's very therapeutic to talk about things and write down my thoughts and feelings.  So, here it goes. The story of losing our sweet baby.

On Wednesday, May 24th, I was scheduled for a 16 week check-up with Dr Northrop. The appointment was at 9:45 and it was a rough morning getting the kids up and going.  Well, mostly Brooke because she had stayed up late with Kevin while I was at book club the night before.  I was trying to be patient and understanding, but I hate being late to appointments!  In the end, we were only 10 minutes late, and I had sweet time with Brooke in the waiting room as we read books and she cuddled up on my lap.  When they called us back, they did the usual weight check, then we headed in to the room.  The nurse was having a hard time with the fetal doppler, but this same nurse also couldn't find the heartbeat last month, but I had just come from a sonogram that week, so I knew that things were fine and told her that the baby's heart was beating at 160 bpm. I wasn't alarmed at all, and figured that she just wasn't very good at the doppler.  She told me that we would need to go do a sonogram, which I was happy about since I wanted to know if the bleed under the uterus had been absorbed.

I still didn't feel concerned, and just read to the kids, and let Brooke lay on the sonogram table until my doctor came in.  She started the sonogram, and I immediately saw our perfect little baby all curled up and sleeping, so I thought. I can't explain how much I loved that sweet baby's profile, and the baby just looked perfect.  She took a couple minutes with the sonogram, then when she turned on the sound for the heartbeat, it was just static.  That moment was the worst moment of my life.  I immediately started crying, and Brooke was right by my side and was rubbing my arm and my forehead and kept saying "It's okay, Mom", "Don't be so sad."  Even Colby, who is usually noisy and all over the place, stood by the table (which was pretty low), and rested his little hand on my forearm.  I know that this was a tender mercy of the Lord because I needed my babies to comfort me and give me courage during such a difficult moment.  Doctor Northrop started saying that she was so sorry, that she couldn't see anything that would have caused the baby to pass.  Between the crying, I asked her to print me a picture of that perfect baby, which she did.  I was just in shock.  This was the last thing I was expecting, and I hadn't had any warning signs, like bleeding or cramping of any kind.  A few weeks earlier, I had made a comment to Kevin that since I hadn't started feeling the baby move yet (I thought I did once or twice, but it's not common to feel much movement yet), it almost felt like I wasn't pregnant since the nausea had finally subsided and I wasn't showing a ton yet. Maybe I somehow knew??

The baby was measuring 13 weeks, 6 days, and since I was 16 weeks along, she said that the baby probably passed a week before, possibly longer, but that the tissue starts shrinking once the baby passes, so there was really no way to know for sure. She was so loving and tender as she spoke to me, but she told me that I needed to head next door to the sonogram office for a confirmatory sonogram.  She indicated that they was currently with a patient, but that they would see me after.  I gathered my things and tried to regain my composure so that I could walk back through the waiting room. It was all so surreal, and heartbreaking.  As I walked out of the office, past all the other pregnant moms with their beautiful baby bumps, I felt like I would crumble. I made it outside, and called Kevin.  I felt awful breaking the news over the phone, but I needed him to know before I headed into the next sonogram.  When he asked if everything was okay, I just broke down and I could tell he walked away so that he could talk to me without the hustle and bustle of work around him.  I could tell that he was shocked, and so sad, but he got serious and told me to listen carefully.  He told me that it was going to be okay, and that he loved me more than anything.  I felt grateful for his love, and I just wanted him to hold me.  I told him about the next sonogram, and that I would head inside to wait.  As I entered the packed waiting room, again full of moms and their beautiful baby bumps, Kevin texted me that he was on his way to be with me.  I ended up waiting probably 20 minutes, they called me back, and I was already changed when Kevin texted that he was parking.  I asked the sonogram tech to please go back to get my husband from the waiting room, which she did.  I was so relieved to have Kevin there.  It was so hard to see pictures of our perfect "sleeping" baby again.  Kevin just squeezed my hand, and Brooke said, "Try not to cry this time, Mom." Of course, I couldn't hold back the tears, but I just soaked in the baby's profile, and the way he/she looked so peaceful. The tech turned on the filter that showed blood flow, and just pointed out the tiny bits of blood remaining, and that no blood was present around the heart.  The only way I can describe my feelings was that of shock, disappointment, and just sadness.  Despite all of those feelings, I did feel peace that things were going to be okay and that I would see that baby again, but it was just so unexpected.

When it was over and the tech was gone, I was able to stand and hug Kevin finally.  I just cried into his arms, and Brooke was asking why I was so sad.  I realized that I hadn't actually explained what was going on, but I knew that she was fully aware that something sad had happened.  I knelt down and told her that I was sad because our baby died.  I told her that our baby went back to live with Heavenly Father, which just made me feel sad. She gave me a big hug, but I could tell that she was just processing everything.  We collected the pictures she printed for us, and we headed back to meet with Doctor Northrop. The kids were getting antsy (mostly Colby), and we were just trying to process the whole situation. When my doctor came into the room, she thanked Kevin for coming at such short notice, expressed her sorrow about our baby, and sat down to explain where we went from there.  She said that she could induce labor, which she would prefer to do in the hospital because there would be a lot of bleeding.  She explained that it could take anywhere from 24-72 hours to induce the labor, and deliver the baby.  I could also have a D & C where they dilate the cervix, insert a speculum, and remove the baby, placenta, etc. Kevin asked about what would happen to the baby, and Doctor Northrop was kind of vague about how everything was sent to pathology and then she wasn't sure what happened after that.  Kevin asked if anyone ever buried the baby, and she said that we could do that if we wanted, but that we would need to get in touch with a funeral home. We asked if we would be able to see the baby, and she said that it all depends on how everything comes out, but she made it seem like a pretty slim chance.  I couldn't think of a lot of questions, but she said that she would be available if we thought of more questions.  She let us go home and decide how we wanted to proceed, but that it would be better to get things started before the weekend.

We left the office, and I had Kevin drive the kids home so that I could call my parents as I drove home. I called my Mom first, even though I knew that she was at school and wouldn't answer the phone.  But, another tender mercy, she answered the phone when I called.  I told her about our baby and we both just cried together.  She was so so sad, and I felt awful for springing that on her during school, but I was so grateful that I was able to talk to her during such a hard moment.  It brought me a lot of comfort to know that she would be praying for me to have strength and courage.  I called my Dad next, and he was heartbroken as well.   He was very sweet with me, but said that he wasn't sure what to say.  Just expressing his love for me, and my baby, was all I needed.  Once home, I put Colby down for a nap so Kevin and I could have uninterrupted time to discuss what we were going to do.  Oh, and Kevin had given me a blessing when we got home from the doctor's office, which was actually Brooke's idea on the way home from the appointment.

Rocking Colby to sleep was so emotional. Although I felt such a heavy heart, I knew that I was so lucky to have my two beautiful children at home who needed me.  I knew that they (and Kevin), would be able to help me through this experience.  We let Brooke watch a zillion shows while we talked and processed everything together. Kevin had texted our Bishop and Stake President (who we are close with) to ask if the church had any council about how to proceed. They both said that it was up to us and our physicians.  That was semi-helpful, but I still wasn't sure what to do.  I had also texted Joanna to let her know what was going on.  She showed up an hour later with flowers and chocolates and it was so helpful to just hug her and have a good cry.  I talked things through with her as well, and hearing someone's else's perspective was reassuring.

The thought of going through labor was not a pleasant one, especially since we weren't sure what the baby would look like, and in what state the body would be in.  The thought of it taking several days also was rough on me because I didn't want to be away from my kids, especially since we weren't sure if Bev could come down since Jerry is also in the hospital.  Kevin told me not to worry about that, we could figure it out once we decided what we wanted to do.  I worried that doing the D & C was somehow "taking the easy way out", and the more I read online, the more I worried that it wasn't a gentle way to deliver the baby.  We both decided that we didn't feel a need to bury the body, especially since we got the impression from the doctor that the baby wasn't going to be in a recognizable state or in a condition that we would be able to see the body.  This was so hard for me to grasp because on the sonogram, the baby looked perfect.  Or at least the little head and profile looked perfect. Anyway, the thought of trying to bury something like that didn't bring me any comfort, and I didn't feel that having a graveside to visit was going to bring me any comfort either.

The thing I really wanted to know was the gender of the baby, just to know whether we have a baby girl or a baby boy up in heaven. For some reason, I feel like this information will bring me peace. I don't think that we will name the baby, but just to know the gender seems like it would be reassuring. During the next hour or so, we called the rest of our family to share our news, and it was hard to hear the heartbreak in their voices as well. I know that everyone was so sad for us, but they were heartbroken as well to lose a grandchild, a niece, or a nephew.  I texted close friends as well, and my friend Brie called to see how I was doing. She lost her sweet baby at almost 30 weeks, and although I know that my heartbreak will never compare to hers, I was eager to talk to her and get her advice.  When she described giving birth to her baby girl, she said that it still haunted her because even though she knew the outcome, you just anticipate the moment of birth and your mind is still hopeful that miraculously, something will be different. She said that if I didn't have to go through that experience, she wouldn't recommend it.  This was so comforting to me because again, I felt like if I didn't go through the labor, that I was someone just taking the easy way out and not honoring my baby.  After that conversation, I felt much better about the D & C because I really didn't want to add a tragic labor to the list of things already weighing me down.

My doctor called that afternoon to check on me and see if we had any additional questions.  We expressed our desire to know the gender, and she said that she might be able to tell from the body, but at 16 weeks, it is still difficult to tell the different because everything is swollen and still developing.  She described that the best way to tell will be when they send the body and tissues to pathology for testing.  There, they do chromosome testing and if the tissue is viable, they would be able to get gender information. We told her that we wanted to go ahead with the D & C, so the office called later to schedule the procedure.  We were scheduled for Thursday afternoon at 4:30, and were supposed to arrive at the hospital by 2:30.  The same hospital where Brooke and Colby were born.  (Methodist Hospital in Mansfield.)  Then, it was just a waiting game.

Bev showed up around 5 to help with the kids and be available to watch the kids on Thursday.  I was so grateful that she was able to come down and be with us.  I hadn't prepared dinner, so we figured we would all just go grab dinner together.  Brooke wanted to stay home because she was super excited to have Grandma here, so Bev offered to just cook something for the kids and allow Kevin and I to go get dinner together.  That was such a blessing, because it was nice to have some time alone to talk about our feelings, thoughts, and fears. We just went to Olive Garden, but it was perfect, and I ate a ton because I had to fast the whole next day until after my procedure.

We made it home in time to play with the kids a bit before the bedtime routine, and then I had a super sweet moment with Brooke.  When she saw me crying after family prayer, she said, "I have an idea, we can draw a picture of our family with the baby so that we don't forget."  That made my Mama heart so incredibly happy.  She could tell that I was hurting, and she came up with such a tender idea on her own. I knew that my kids would help me through this, but I was surprised at how Brooke just seemed to get it.

Then we got ourselves ready for bed.  Taking a shower was super emotional for me because I still felt the same, but knew that our baby had passed.  It wasn't creepy, but just weird to know that the baby had passed probably a week ago, and I had no idea. I still had the baby belly, but to know that no life was present within me anymore was crushing. I was just emotional.

We said prayers together that night, and I just wanted to sleep because I was emotionally drained. I had told Kevin that he could work a half-day on Thursday if he wanted, and I thought he planned on it, but that night he texted his assistant manager to let him know that he wouldn't be in at all.  I was SO thankful to have him home because I needed his support all day.  In the morning, we were laying in bed talking about how the day would go, and I had this overwhelming feeling that I wanted him to hold my baby belly. That might seem weird, but it was the last time he would be able to do that with the baby inside me.  He would never get to feel this baby kick, and I just wanted him to feel some sort of bond to our baby. Of course, I just cried the moment he put his hand on my belly. It was a pretty tender moment, and the rest of the day was filled with little moments like that.  Since Kevin was home, Bev went to the hospital to check on Jerry so that she could be back before we needed to leave.  I loved the family time we had, and the mood in our home.  Kevin turned on some peaceful music, Brooke was dancing around the house, and Colby was just happy.

When it was getting time to go, I went in to my room to finish getting ready.  I wanted Kevin to take a picture of my baby bump since I hadn't started taking the weekly pictures yet.  I was so worried that after the D & C, I would just feel empty.  I wanted to remember the 16 weeks of growth and the love I already had for that sweet baby.  I didn't want my face in the picture, especially since I wasn't supposed to wear make-up for the procedure, but I was so sad as I had Kevin take the picture. He did get one with my face, and although I won't be posting that picture, it shows the raw emotion that I felt on that day. We went back inside and Kevin gave me a blessing before we headed to the hospital.  Brooke came to lay her head on my lap, and before Kevin even started, the tears started flowing.  Brooke told me not to be so sad, and she stroked my face a few times. I cried throughout the entire blessing, but it was so comforting and I felt such gratitude for Kevin and the power of the priesthood. Colby was napping, but I kissed Brookie and we were on our way.  I felt a lot of peace that Bev would be here with the kids and would be able to give them lots of love while we were away!

I prayed for strength as we walked into the hospital, and I was slightly annoyed when they asked what I was there for as I checked in.  Didn't they have that information without my having to say it out loud?  I felt almost ashamed, it was a really weird feeling.  Then the waiting began. Once we were finally in our room, one of the nurses came to start my IV.  She was so gentle with the way she spoke to me, and expressed condolences for the loss of our baby.  Very opposite from the guy that brought us back to our room.  She had a hard time with my IV, but in the end, she got it, and we waited some more.  We had confirmed with my doctor that she would be the one doing the procedure, so when I heard her associate's voice in the hall, I sort of panicked.  I like Dr. Zinnante, but I don't have near the connection with her as I do with Doctor Northrop and I only wanted Northrop doing the procedure.  I was relieved when Zinnante entered the room and told us that Doctor Northrop was on her way, but that she was just there to speed things along so that I would be ready for surgery.  Then the anesthesiologist arrived and was also very kind and said that he was sorry about our baby.  I gave Kevin a kiss, the doctor gave me my "happy juice", as he called it, and they wheeled me down to the surgery room.  I just remember everything getting blurry as they pushed me down the hallway on my bed.

When I woke, I saw several nurses nearby, and one came over to let me know that everything went as expected.  It was so quiet in the recovery area, and I was left alone to my thoughts.  I didn't feel an empty feeling like I thought I would, I just was curious about how things went, and I just felt weird. When Doctor Northrop came to talk to me, she said that everything came out very easily, which confirmed to her that the baby probably passed at least a week ago.  She did say that she had a hard time getting the placenta out, so I'm not really sure if that is indicative of something? I was really disappointed when she said that she wasn't able to tell the gender of the baby.  I was discouraged, but didn't ask a lot of questions because I figured that maybe the baby wasn't in very good form when he/she came out.  I didn't really want that image in my mind, especially after I had done image searches of 16 week miscarriages and saw tons of people who took pictures with their tiny babies, some of which were a little disturbing to see. Her recommendation was to go to her office on Tuesday and have them draw my blood to see if the baby's blood was still in my system, which would allow them to get some genetic material (and gender).  I thought she said that she would recommend Friday, but because of the long weekend, I would need to go Tuesday.  (Once I spoke to Kevin,  he said that he thought we were supposed to go Friday to increase the chance that the baby's blood was still in my system.  This is a whole other situation, which I'll address in a bit.)  As Doctor Northrop turned to leave, I said her name and she turned back.  I was kind of emotional, but I thanked her for the way she handled everything and for the tenderness she showed towards me.  She gave me a big hug, and just told me again how sorry she was about our baby and that I had to go through this.  She made a comment in the office that it didn't get any easier on her to have those conversations with her patients.  I am sure that's such a sad part of their job!

Once Kevin came back, he helped me get to the restroom, change my clothes, and we were on our way.  The nurse said that I would probably bleed pretty heavily for a few days, and then I would have period-like bleeding for a few weeks. We left with prescriptions in hand for antibiotics, pain pills, and medication to stop uterine bleeding.  We drove through Chik-fil-A, then filled our prescriptions before heading home.  It was a relief to hug my sweet babies. Once the kids were in bed, I didn't even have the strength to take a shower, I just put on my sweats and crawled into bed.

I called the office the next morning to find out more about the blood work, and they said that they wouldn't be able to draw my blood until Tuesday because the company who tests the blood wasn't accepting any more samples due to the Memorial Day Weekend.  I expressed concern that if we waited so long, my chance of getting information was slim to none.  She understood, but wasn't sure of another solution. I got off the phone quickly because I could feel myself on the verge of tears.  I called my Mom, and after talking it through with her, called my doctor back to probe some more. In the end, a genetic counselor from the company called and let me know that the blood tests have to be done within hours of the baby passing, so if the doctor thought the baby passed a week ago, we were way past our window of opportunity.  Again, I was frustrated.  She said that our best bet was the tissue sample.  But the doctor's office called later and said that the doctor wanted me to come in on Tuesday for the blood draw, so I did it anyways even though it was a long shot. I also am not supposed to drive until my check-up on Thursday, so I asked my friend Teddi Parr to drive the kids and I to the appointment.  She is awesome, and was so great with the kids while they waited.

And while I'm talking about great people helping me, let me mention that I have felt such love from friends and family.  So many people have expressed their love and support by way of calls, texts, messages, bouquets of flowers, cupcakes delivered to my door, dinners, groceries and snacks dropped off, gifts for the kids, jewelry for me, and PRAYERS!!  The support has been amazing. I decided that I wanted to post our loss on social media so that I wouldn't have to tell everyone in person, or have awkward conversations if people still thought I was pregnant, and I am glad that I did.  The news was able to spread quickly. and the messages and comments of support and love have been so reassuring.

Friday morning was dance, and since Bev was here, I wanted her to take Brooke to dance.  We only have a few weeks until recital, and I didn't want her to miss.  The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to be there as well since it was parent observation day.  So, despite my nerves, I decided to go.  I knew that several of the moms were aware of our loss due to my Facebook post, and those sweet friends had offered to bring me meals and come pick Brooke up for dance.  I knew that it would be good to see them, but I just feared that I would be such a mess since it was all very fresh.  As I walked in, I felt myself getting choked up, which was not good.  One mom told me how beautiful I looked, and I quickly thanked her and tried to busy myself with getting Brooke in her tap shoes.  Once all the girls were back with Miss Emily, my friend Valentina put her arm around me and asked how I was doing.  I just started crying, and all eyes were on me.  I ended up telling everyone (9 moms, who I would call my friends after spending Friday mornings with them for the past 9 months) the whole story, and we all cried together.  Several of them shared their stories as well, and it made me realize just how many women have been in my shoes.  They were all quick to offer help, or to be a listening ear if I wanted to talk or had questions.  I felt a lot of love in that small waiting area, and I realized once more how blessed I am to have great friends.

The rest of Friday went surprisingly well, physically.  I wasn't bleeding at all, and I was able to move about with minimal discomfort.  I was careful not to lift Colby, and since Kevin went back to work, Bev was here to help me with the kids.  She did all the Colby-lifting :) I was able to have some good one-on-one time with Brooke, and I had good conversations with Melanie and Kimberly in the afternoon.  Although I don't want to feel sad all day, I really wanted to talk about my feelings and the experiences of the last few days.  It helped me process my feelings, and feel like everything was real. I almost felt like if I didn't talk about it, it didn't happen.  I still felt the baby belly, but just knowing the baby was gone was hard to accept. I don't remember if I was up or down by Friday night, because I really felt like I was on a roller coaster.  When I was busy with the kids, I was okay, but when I had a moment to think, I just felt the sting of the loss.

Saturday morning was a slow morning as a family, but I had woken up a lot during the night with pain and cramping.  I took my pain meds around the clock, but the constant ache was a constant reminder.  The selfish part of me remembered back to the months of nausea, and felt like I had dealt with all of the sickness for nothing.  At the time, you push through because you know that the baby makes it all worth it.  But now the pain and cramping didn't lead to anything positive.  Well, I guess it helps everything go back to "normal", so I guess it has a purpose.

Saturday afternoon we went for a boat ride, which was exactly what I needed. I needed the fresh air, and to make happy memories with my family. I felt bad that Brooke had seen me cry so many times over the last few days, and I didn't want her to feel like her "happy Mom" was a thing of the past. Brooke and Colby were so happy to be at the lake, "driving" the boat, playing around, and Brooke ever surfed with Kevin.  I loved hearing their laughs and seeing the huge smiles on their precious faces.  I cannot imagine going through this experience without my other two babies. It helps to have a little one to hold and love on!

On Sunday, I excused myself from Ward Council because I couldn't drive myself there, and I also just didn't want to face everyone in that meeting.  I was nervous enough about going to church and losing my composure.  As we pulled into the parking lot, on time for once, I felt so nervous. I asked Kevin to say a prayer, and the words he spoke really comforted me. As we walked into the building, I felt peace, but I also tried to just busy myself with the kids so that I didn't look around and make eye contact with people.  The RS President came over to hug me, which was actually really good. I cried a bit, but she just expressed her love and went back to sit down.  The talks were great, and one happened to be on service.  I just sat and thought about all the people that had served me over the last few days.  It truly is incredible the way people have reached out to us.  I had a few more tearful moments as people hugged me in the hall, but overall, I was able to keep it together.  Until Young Women's, that is!  I carried on as normal during opening exercises, but then when I stood up to do the segment where we talk about how we felt the influence of the Holy Ghost during our week, I felt like I should share my experience at the doctor's office and how despite my grief, I still felt the calming influence of the Spirit.  After the girls were done sharing, I shared my experience, and of course I cried, but they were all teary-eyed too, so I guess it was okay.  Two of my Laurels had texted me during the week to check on me and express their love for me, which meant SO much to me. Of course I loved hearing from my friends, but to have teenagers reach out to me made me feel pretty special and like I meant something to them.  One girl wrote something about how she was grateful for my example and that she knew I would gracefully deal with this trial.  That became my new goal, to gracefully deal with all the emotions that came with losing our precious baby!

The next few days continued to be somewhat of a roller coaster of feelings and emotions, but on Tuesday, I had the most "normal" day, so I feel confident that I will be able to make it through this experience. I have been so grateful for the feelings of peace that have filled my heart, even though I have also had moments of heartbreak and grief.  It's amazing to me that both feelings can exist at the same time, but I know that grief is a process, and it doesn't resolve itself overnight.  But because of this peace, the love of the Savior, and the love of friends and family, I will keep an eternal perspective and just "hold this baby in my heart until I can hold him/her in heaven."  That was the quote I posted on social media to announce our miscarriage, and I really believe it to be true.  I will always consider our baby a member of our family. and I feel peace knowing that I will see that baby again.