Kevin was really sweet when I told him how my day went, and he seemed confident that it would happen when the time was right. I wasn't so confident, but we still had a great weekend. The headaches continued, but still no period. It was all very strange, and raised my hopes that maybe I was pregnant.
Monday rolled around, and I decided to take another pregnancy test before we met Kevin at the lake. This time, it was a very faint positive! I couldn't believe it!! I was so filled with emotions of gratitude and validation that Heavenly Father knew me and knew the pain I was feeling not only about our miscarriage, but about the lack of hope for another baby. I wanted to call Kevin right away, but decided to tell him in person.
We met up at the marina parking lot, and when he parked next to me, I quickly jumped out so that I could tell him without the kids hearing. He was totally surprised, and gave me the tightest hug. He then reminded me that it was still really early, so we would wait and see what happened. I know he was trying to protect me from future disappointment in case it was a false positive, but I felt pretty confident that all was well.
A week later, I went in for blood work to confirm the pregnancy. The nausea also started in right away, which was a welcome sign that I was indeed pregnant. We decided to tell the kids right away because I wanted them to understand why I wasn't feeling well and their reaction was adorable. Brooke immediately asked if we were going to the doctor's office, and I told her that was why we went to Dr. Northrop's office twice that week for blood tests. All the pieces seemed to come together for her. Colby had the biggest smile, then said, "I want to see." I tried to explain that the baby was itty bitty inside my tummy, but he insisted on lifting up my shirt and trying to see the baby. I explained again, then Colby said, "I feed my baby brother. Or it be a girl." It was so cute to hear his train of thought about the gender of our new baby. He really seemed to understand, and they were both so excited!
We explained to Brooke that we weren't going to tell a lot of people yet, so she said "I'll just tell my best friends at school, but I'll tell them not to tell a lot of people." I figured her friends at school were a pretty safe demographic. Come to find out, she started telling her primary teachers and a few other people at church, but always with the caveat to "not tell a lot of people."
The next few months were full of lots of nausea and exhaustion. Pregnancy really is no joke! I had multiple appointments with Dr, Northrop, and everything looked great! I was also taking progesterone each day for the first 13 weeks to assist with the pregnancy. Dr. Northrop wanted me to meet with a specialist as well just to have another "set of eyes" on the baby's growth, so I had an appointment for July 9th.
During that time, I had to also make the decision about my level of involvement with Trek. In January, we had been called as Captains of 50, and spent hours in the planning phase and then training of the Ma's and Pa's. Once we found out that I was pregnant, I worried about whether or not I should go. I was being very cautious physically just since we really don't know what happened last time. (We even moved Colby into a toddler bed to cut down on how much I was lifting him.) I really struggled with this decision because I don't like bailing on things last minute, but I knew I would regret it if I miscarried again. I would always blame myself for not being more cautious. My doctor was really understanding of the situation and told me that while it wouldn't cause me to lose my pregnancy, she wouldn't recommend it due to how I was feeling physically, the heat, and the mosquitos.
After A LOT of prayer, I finally decided to stay home from Trek, but continued with all the prep work. The morning they left for Trek, I was at the Stake Center for check-in, and it was hard to stay behind as everyone left. But I did still feel good about my decision!
At my 11 week appointment, our sweet baby was moving around and had a strong heartbeat. I really felt peace about this pregnancy, and tried to let faith overcome any fears I had about another miscarriage. I began feeling the baby move, always when I was laying next to Colby for his nap. The constant nausea was rough, but reminded me to be grateful for a healthy pregnant.
As I neared the 14 week specialist appointment, I had all sorts of emotions. I was so anxious to go to that appointment and confirm that indeed, everything was fine. I was also hoping that they might be able to tell the gender of our baby. Kevin couldn't come with me to the appointment due to work issues, so I determined that if they could tell the gender, they could write it down so I could have the gender reveal with Kevin. Again, I felt fairly good that everything was fine, but began feeling nervous for that appointment.
The day before the appointment, I asked my friend Joanna to watch my kids so that I could focus on what the specialist had to say. So, when Monday morning rolled around, I dropped off the kids and headed to the specialist. I waited over an hour to even be seen, and when they finally started the sonogram, I was relieved. Sadly, the relief didn't last long. As she began doing the measurements, the baby's size began showing 11 weeks 5 days, or 11 weeks 6 days. I was 14 weeks, so this was a huge red flag. I made a comment about the baby measuring small, and she simply said, "A little bit." After multiple measurements, she stood up and said she would go give the information to the doctor. They always do the heartbeat after the measurements, so I asked about that. She just looked at me and said, "I have to go give this to the doctor first." I knew something was definitely wrong, and my heart just dropped. I was filled with fear, dread, sadness, and disbelief. Was this really happening again? I felt like an emotional mess as I sat there alone, but I didn't want to call Kevin until I knew what was going on. I tried to hold it together until the doctor came in, but I sat there waiting for 15 minutes. When the specialist finally came in, they started the sonogram again and he pointed out all the parts of the baby, then touched my leg as he said, "Unfortunately, there is no heart beat." I immediately started crying and just felt devastated. It was embarrassing to be crying in front of people that I didn't even know, but I couldn't stop myself. I was crushed. At that moment, I could hear my phone vibrating in my bag. I knew Kevin was wondering why I hadn't called him when the appointment was supposed to be like 2 hours before. The specialist said that he couldn't see anything unusual in the sonogram that would cause a miscarriage, besides the baby's small size. He was kind as he spoke to me, but I just felt so alone.
He left to call my doctor to give her the news, which gave me a chance to call Kevin. I hated telling Kevin this news over the phone (again), especially because I knew he couldn't leave work. I think he was really surprised and of course saddened. He was mad that he couldn't just leave work, and he apologized for not being with me. I totally understood, but it was hard to not be together. I tried to pull myself together so that I could walk out of the office and to my car. I called my parents as soon as I got in my car, and we cried together. It just seemed unreal, and I couldn't understand because I hadn't had any symptoms (just like last time), and I swear I had felt the baby moving that week. I was worried about picking up my kids and what I would say to them, but I was so glad they didn't have to be with me during that situation again.
As soon as I walked into Joanna's house, she just hugged me and let me cry. It was exactly what I needed. My sweet Brooke came down the stairs, and seeing me crying, immediately started asking what was wrong and what happened. I crouched down and explained that they couldn't find the heartbeat at the doctor's' office. She just looked at me and said, "What does that mean?" I then had to say those dreaded words that our baby was in heaven with our other baby. She just looked at me, with an expression that I can't explain. She looked sad, but more like she was trying to sympathize with me and match my expression. Then she wrapped her little arms around my neck and held me tight. She was such a strength for me!
Colby came down the stairs in full pirate attire, and didn't seem to really understand why I was so sad. I sat with Joanna and she just listened to everything. It was so helpful to have her love and support. I took the kids home to feed them, and when I took Colby potty, he asked, "Why our baby have to die?" He did understand :( I told him that I didn't know, and he simply shrugged then said, "I don't know either." I was sad for myself, but also sad for my kids that they had to be faced with such sad news again.
I took them back to Joanna's so I could meet with Dr. Northrop. As I sat there waiting, I started looking up information about second trimester miscarriages. This really was not comforting, but I needed answers. Dr. Northrop was amazing and so compassionate, but she didn't know what happened either. We discussed my options for the next step, and I decided that a D & C would probably be best again. The big question was when. My parents were already flying in on Thursday to watch my kids for Girl's Camp the following week, but it was only Monday. I knew I could have asked other people to help, but my father-in-law Jerry was also in the hospital, which would have made it tricky for my mother-in-law to help. In the end, we decided to schedule it for early Friday morning, which made for an interesting week. I continued to feel the nausea that I was so used to, but knowing that the baby was gone took it to a whole new level. I don't know if my body was starting to recognize what had happened, or if mentally I was making myself sick, but I felt lousy.
Over the next few days, friends called me, texted me, brought dinner, and showed so much love and support. I really don't know how I would have survived without it. Looking back, I think I was in a bit of denial. It all just seemed too sad to be true! At my appointment with Doctor Northrop, she discussed possible blood tests to get some answers. I knew I would meet my deductible with hospital bills, so I wanted to test for everything and anything that could give us some answers. On the way to the airport on Thursday, I was supposed to stop and give blood for the tests she ordered. When I told Colby that morning, he said, "I hope your baby is healthy and strong." I reminded him that our baby already died because there was no heartbeat, but he said, "Maybe your baby will have heartbeat again." My heart was hurting! We made it to the office, and the blood work ended up equating to 19 vials of blood! That was a LOT of blood, and I felt a little queasy as I left the office. On the way to the airport after the blood work, I even called Kevin to tell him that if something happened to me, it was probably because of all the blood I lost!
It was such a relief to get my parents at the airport and to have their hugs and love. There's something so comforting about having your Mom and Dad to help take care of you. They were really amazing that day, and the kids loved having them here. My procedure was scheduled for early Friday morning, and I knew that Kevin wanted to be with me, but was stressed about work. I told him that he could take me to the hospital and get me checked in and then my Dad could wait for me there while he headed to work, but Kevin assured me that he wanted to stay with me. He was emotional when telling me, and I felt like it was one of the first times he really was able to show his hurt and sadness about our baby. Grief is such a process and I knew that we had a long road ahead of us.
This really all felt like a bad deja vu. Every time I drive past the hospital, I think about birthing both of my babies there, but I also think about entering the hospital and coming out without a baby inside me. I try not to dwell on the specifics of the D & C because it's all a little weird, but I associate all those feelings with the hospital. And I was about to do it all again. Kevin gave me a blessing the night before the procedure so that I could have courage and feel peace, and specifically that I would feel whole. His word choice really let me know that he and our Father in Heaven knew me because although I hadn't voiced that feeling, it was something I worried about last time and was facing again this time. Going into the hospital carrying a child, and leaving with an empty feeling.
We checked in at 5:30 AM, then waited to be called back. As we sat together, I was reading my intake papers. The procedure was coded as "Missed Abortion", which really rubbed me the wrong way. How could that be coded as an abortion? So insensitive, in my opinion :/ I later asked my doctor about it, and she said that they haven't changed the terminology for decades, but that when the heart is beating and then stops, it is termed an abortion. I really hate that. When a woman chooses that, it's termed an "elective abortion". Once we finally headed back, it was time for my IV and one more blood test. Thankfully, they had better luck with the IV than last time. Dr. Northrop came to talk with us, they started the anesthesia, I kissed Kevin goodbye, and they wheeled me down the hall. Last time, I remember everything going fuzzy within seconds, but this time I remember going into the operating room. It seemed SO crowded and chaotic with machines everywhere. I must have fallen asleep shortly after because that's all I remember.
When I woke up in recovery, I was happy to see Kevin. He said that everything went well, and that Doctor Northrop had told him that in a few months we could do a scope of my uterus to see if there were any tears or abnormalities that might explain why I miscarried twice now. (I really should have written about this sooner because my brain is now fuzzy on the details and questioning whether these memories are about this miscarriage or the last one.) Once I was dressed, we walked out and I remember feeling extremely weak. We stopped by the pharmacy, but they did't have my prescriptions ready yet. Kevin took me home to the comfort of our home, where I held my babies and tried to rest. I also ate leftovers from the yummy dinner my friend Andreia brought over that week, which was such a physically comfort.
The love continued to pour in that day from friends who dropped things off or who texted to let me know they were thinking about us. Saturday I felt unusually well, and even made a comment to my Mom about how weird it was that I would feel so good. I mean, I still looked pregnant which was a sad reminder of what was lost, but I wasn't bleeding or having cramping. But it was a cruel joke because Saturday night the cramping came on strong. I felt so sick going to bed, and the cramping continued for the next 5 days. It felt like the cramping I had when I had my first period post-miscarriage, but wow, I felt like I was gonna die. The best way to describe it was that I felt like someone was grabbing all my internal female organs and squeezing them. I was so swollen, and I also was having major constipation issues, which wasn't helping anything. A few days into the pain, my sister commented that the Norco (painkiller) gave her major stomach problems, so I decided to stop taking them and switch to Ibuprofen. That really seemed to help, so I was grateful for that conversation.
As I healed physically, I was able to do a bit more and wanted to have a few fun outings with my parents. We went to Hawaiian falls one night and I made the mistake of trying to use one of those bags that supposedly keeps the water off your phone. When Kevin met up with us, he pointed out the little bit of water in the bottom of the bag. I quickly took my phone out, but couldn't unlock my phone because the screen wasn't working properly. As soon as we got home, my mom tried the whole rice in a bag trick, but we couldn't get my phone to power on that night. We then had to deal with getting a new phone and apparently I hadn't turned on iCloud on my phone, so I lost all the pictures from the last 3 weeks. My pictures are so important to me, so I was just a mess. Along with that, I lost all my text messages with encouragement from friends and family. I lost my notes, which had all the sweetest things my kids said during this pregnancy and in the last few days since finding out about our miscarriage. I was just a mess, and prayed so hard that I could just get one break after everything else I was dealing with. New phones are so expensive, and I just felt stupid for even trying that phone bag.
After getting a new phone, we headed home so I at least get my last phone backup from the end of June, but I couldn't remember my iTunes password and it is encrypted in such a way that you can't change it, there are no password hints, and no rules about how many letters or anything. I tried everything, but couldn't get it to work. This may all sound so silly, but it was important to me and I felt like everything was just out of my control.
That night, as I put Colby to bed, a password popped into my head that I hadn't tried yet. I tried it the next morning, and it worked!! I was at least able to get everything up until the end of June, but the real tender mercy was that when my notes appeared on my phone, and the one about this pregnancy had everything up until July 9th. There is no way this would have happened without divine intervention because it doesn't make any sense! I did the back-up on June 29th!
Another sweet thing I don't want to forget is the personal sympathy card Dr. Northrop sent to our house. It was so thoughtful, and included a scripture that for every tear we shed, our Father in Heaven is shedding a tear. She genuinely cares for me and my family, and I've never felt such compassion from a doctor. When I went to my follow-up appointment, we cried and talked together for 45 minutes. My parents were still here, so I was able to go on my own. We discussed all my lab results, and it turns out that I do have a blood clotting disorder that is common (4 in 5 people have it), but that in a future pregnancy, I would need to be on a blood thinner. This also means that I am lacking in the enzyme that breaks down the B vitamins and folic acid. I am taking a daily vitamin that helps with this. My egg quality test was slightly lower (0.9) than the 1.0 they like to see, so I am taking CoQ10 which is supposed to help. She also recommended a book that is all about naturally increasing the quality of your eggs.
The pathology reports weren't in yet, but they did get in a few weeks later. Dr. Northrop called me early one morning to let me know that there were no chromosomal abnormalities, and that our baby was a little boy. It was a relief to know, but also sad at the same time. Based on the fact that there were no chromosomal abnormalities, she didn't feel like egg quality was the real issue here. The blood clotting disorder seemed to have a bigger role, so although it would be a big commitment, she recommended a daily shot of Lovonox, which is a blood thinner. I would give myself a shot every day of the pregnancy, and for 6 weeks after. This is all assuming that I get pregnant again, but it felt good to have options. We will still do the scope of my uterus in a few months, once I have had 2-3 regular cycles just to rule out a possible uterine problem. Again, I will meet my deductible this year, so we might as well.
There was one other blood test that came back abnormal, but we redid the test last week and will wait for the results. She also increased my thyroid medication based on my most recent blood tests. And that is where we stand. I had my first period last week, which wasn't nearly as bad as last time! Again, another tender mercy when I was dealing with everything else emotionally. Through it all, I feel like I've done well spiritually. I know that my Father in Heaven knows me and loves me, and I have faith that I will understand this all one day, even though I have pain now. A friend sent me this beautiful quote that said, "Hard times will consistently be there, but so will Christ." Truer words could not be said! I have felt strength in Christ, and through the Christlike love of family and friends.
The next few months were full of lots of nausea and exhaustion. Pregnancy really is no joke! I had multiple appointments with Dr, Northrop, and everything looked great! I was also taking progesterone each day for the first 13 weeks to assist with the pregnancy. Dr. Northrop wanted me to meet with a specialist as well just to have another "set of eyes" on the baby's growth, so I had an appointment for July 9th.
During that time, I had to also make the decision about my level of involvement with Trek. In January, we had been called as Captains of 50, and spent hours in the planning phase and then training of the Ma's and Pa's. Once we found out that I was pregnant, I worried about whether or not I should go. I was being very cautious physically just since we really don't know what happened last time. (We even moved Colby into a toddler bed to cut down on how much I was lifting him.) I really struggled with this decision because I don't like bailing on things last minute, but I knew I would regret it if I miscarried again. I would always blame myself for not being more cautious. My doctor was really understanding of the situation and told me that while it wouldn't cause me to lose my pregnancy, she wouldn't recommend it due to how I was feeling physically, the heat, and the mosquitos.
After A LOT of prayer, I finally decided to stay home from Trek, but continued with all the prep work. The morning they left for Trek, I was at the Stake Center for check-in, and it was hard to stay behind as everyone left. But I did still feel good about my decision!
At my 11 week appointment, our sweet baby was moving around and had a strong heartbeat. I really felt peace about this pregnancy, and tried to let faith overcome any fears I had about another miscarriage. I began feeling the baby move, always when I was laying next to Colby for his nap. The constant nausea was rough, but reminded me to be grateful for a healthy pregnant.
As I neared the 14 week specialist appointment, I had all sorts of emotions. I was so anxious to go to that appointment and confirm that indeed, everything was fine. I was also hoping that they might be able to tell the gender of our baby. Kevin couldn't come with me to the appointment due to work issues, so I determined that if they could tell the gender, they could write it down so I could have the gender reveal with Kevin. Again, I felt fairly good that everything was fine, but began feeling nervous for that appointment.
The day before the appointment, I asked my friend Joanna to watch my kids so that I could focus on what the specialist had to say. So, when Monday morning rolled around, I dropped off the kids and headed to the specialist. I waited over an hour to even be seen, and when they finally started the sonogram, I was relieved. Sadly, the relief didn't last long. As she began doing the measurements, the baby's size began showing 11 weeks 5 days, or 11 weeks 6 days. I was 14 weeks, so this was a huge red flag. I made a comment about the baby measuring small, and she simply said, "A little bit." After multiple measurements, she stood up and said she would go give the information to the doctor. They always do the heartbeat after the measurements, so I asked about that. She just looked at me and said, "I have to go give this to the doctor first." I knew something was definitely wrong, and my heart just dropped. I was filled with fear, dread, sadness, and disbelief. Was this really happening again? I felt like an emotional mess as I sat there alone, but I didn't want to call Kevin until I knew what was going on. I tried to hold it together until the doctor came in, but I sat there waiting for 15 minutes. When the specialist finally came in, they started the sonogram again and he pointed out all the parts of the baby, then touched my leg as he said, "Unfortunately, there is no heart beat." I immediately started crying and just felt devastated. It was embarrassing to be crying in front of people that I didn't even know, but I couldn't stop myself. I was crushed. At that moment, I could hear my phone vibrating in my bag. I knew Kevin was wondering why I hadn't called him when the appointment was supposed to be like 2 hours before. The specialist said that he couldn't see anything unusual in the sonogram that would cause a miscarriage, besides the baby's small size. He was kind as he spoke to me, but I just felt so alone.
He left to call my doctor to give her the news, which gave me a chance to call Kevin. I hated telling Kevin this news over the phone (again), especially because I knew he couldn't leave work. I think he was really surprised and of course saddened. He was mad that he couldn't just leave work, and he apologized for not being with me. I totally understood, but it was hard to not be together. I tried to pull myself together so that I could walk out of the office and to my car. I called my parents as soon as I got in my car, and we cried together. It just seemed unreal, and I couldn't understand because I hadn't had any symptoms (just like last time), and I swear I had felt the baby moving that week. I was worried about picking up my kids and what I would say to them, but I was so glad they didn't have to be with me during that situation again.
As soon as I walked into Joanna's house, she just hugged me and let me cry. It was exactly what I needed. My sweet Brooke came down the stairs, and seeing me crying, immediately started asking what was wrong and what happened. I crouched down and explained that they couldn't find the heartbeat at the doctor's' office. She just looked at me and said, "What does that mean?" I then had to say those dreaded words that our baby was in heaven with our other baby. She just looked at me, with an expression that I can't explain. She looked sad, but more like she was trying to sympathize with me and match my expression. Then she wrapped her little arms around my neck and held me tight. She was such a strength for me!
Colby came down the stairs in full pirate attire, and didn't seem to really understand why I was so sad. I sat with Joanna and she just listened to everything. It was so helpful to have her love and support. I took the kids home to feed them, and when I took Colby potty, he asked, "Why our baby have to die?" He did understand :( I told him that I didn't know, and he simply shrugged then said, "I don't know either." I was sad for myself, but also sad for my kids that they had to be faced with such sad news again.
I took them back to Joanna's so I could meet with Dr. Northrop. As I sat there waiting, I started looking up information about second trimester miscarriages. This really was not comforting, but I needed answers. Dr. Northrop was amazing and so compassionate, but she didn't know what happened either. We discussed my options for the next step, and I decided that a D & C would probably be best again. The big question was when. My parents were already flying in on Thursday to watch my kids for Girl's Camp the following week, but it was only Monday. I knew I could have asked other people to help, but my father-in-law Jerry was also in the hospital, which would have made it tricky for my mother-in-law to help. In the end, we decided to schedule it for early Friday morning, which made for an interesting week. I continued to feel the nausea that I was so used to, but knowing that the baby was gone took it to a whole new level. I don't know if my body was starting to recognize what had happened, or if mentally I was making myself sick, but I felt lousy.
Over the next few days, friends called me, texted me, brought dinner, and showed so much love and support. I really don't know how I would have survived without it. Looking back, I think I was in a bit of denial. It all just seemed too sad to be true! At my appointment with Doctor Northrop, she discussed possible blood tests to get some answers. I knew I would meet my deductible with hospital bills, so I wanted to test for everything and anything that could give us some answers. On the way to the airport on Thursday, I was supposed to stop and give blood for the tests she ordered. When I told Colby that morning, he said, "I hope your baby is healthy and strong." I reminded him that our baby already died because there was no heartbeat, but he said, "Maybe your baby will have heartbeat again." My heart was hurting! We made it to the office, and the blood work ended up equating to 19 vials of blood! That was a LOT of blood, and I felt a little queasy as I left the office. On the way to the airport after the blood work, I even called Kevin to tell him that if something happened to me, it was probably because of all the blood I lost!
It was such a relief to get my parents at the airport and to have their hugs and love. There's something so comforting about having your Mom and Dad to help take care of you. They were really amazing that day, and the kids loved having them here. My procedure was scheduled for early Friday morning, and I knew that Kevin wanted to be with me, but was stressed about work. I told him that he could take me to the hospital and get me checked in and then my Dad could wait for me there while he headed to work, but Kevin assured me that he wanted to stay with me. He was emotional when telling me, and I felt like it was one of the first times he really was able to show his hurt and sadness about our baby. Grief is such a process and I knew that we had a long road ahead of us.
This really all felt like a bad deja vu. Every time I drive past the hospital, I think about birthing both of my babies there, but I also think about entering the hospital and coming out without a baby inside me. I try not to dwell on the specifics of the D & C because it's all a little weird, but I associate all those feelings with the hospital. And I was about to do it all again. Kevin gave me a blessing the night before the procedure so that I could have courage and feel peace, and specifically that I would feel whole. His word choice really let me know that he and our Father in Heaven knew me because although I hadn't voiced that feeling, it was something I worried about last time and was facing again this time. Going into the hospital carrying a child, and leaving with an empty feeling.
We checked in at 5:30 AM, then waited to be called back. As we sat together, I was reading my intake papers. The procedure was coded as "Missed Abortion", which really rubbed me the wrong way. How could that be coded as an abortion? So insensitive, in my opinion :/ I later asked my doctor about it, and she said that they haven't changed the terminology for decades, but that when the heart is beating and then stops, it is termed an abortion. I really hate that. When a woman chooses that, it's termed an "elective abortion". Once we finally headed back, it was time for my IV and one more blood test. Thankfully, they had better luck with the IV than last time. Dr. Northrop came to talk with us, they started the anesthesia, I kissed Kevin goodbye, and they wheeled me down the hall. Last time, I remember everything going fuzzy within seconds, but this time I remember going into the operating room. It seemed SO crowded and chaotic with machines everywhere. I must have fallen asleep shortly after because that's all I remember.
When I woke up in recovery, I was happy to see Kevin. He said that everything went well, and that Doctor Northrop had told him that in a few months we could do a scope of my uterus to see if there were any tears or abnormalities that might explain why I miscarried twice now. (I really should have written about this sooner because my brain is now fuzzy on the details and questioning whether these memories are about this miscarriage or the last one.) Once I was dressed, we walked out and I remember feeling extremely weak. We stopped by the pharmacy, but they did't have my prescriptions ready yet. Kevin took me home to the comfort of our home, where I held my babies and tried to rest. I also ate leftovers from the yummy dinner my friend Andreia brought over that week, which was such a physically comfort.
The love continued to pour in that day from friends who dropped things off or who texted to let me know they were thinking about us. Saturday I felt unusually well, and even made a comment to my Mom about how weird it was that I would feel so good. I mean, I still looked pregnant which was a sad reminder of what was lost, but I wasn't bleeding or having cramping. But it was a cruel joke because Saturday night the cramping came on strong. I felt so sick going to bed, and the cramping continued for the next 5 days. It felt like the cramping I had when I had my first period post-miscarriage, but wow, I felt like I was gonna die. The best way to describe it was that I felt like someone was grabbing all my internal female organs and squeezing them. I was so swollen, and I also was having major constipation issues, which wasn't helping anything. A few days into the pain, my sister commented that the Norco (painkiller) gave her major stomach problems, so I decided to stop taking them and switch to Ibuprofen. That really seemed to help, so I was grateful for that conversation.
As I healed physically, I was able to do a bit more and wanted to have a few fun outings with my parents. We went to Hawaiian falls one night and I made the mistake of trying to use one of those bags that supposedly keeps the water off your phone. When Kevin met up with us, he pointed out the little bit of water in the bottom of the bag. I quickly took my phone out, but couldn't unlock my phone because the screen wasn't working properly. As soon as we got home, my mom tried the whole rice in a bag trick, but we couldn't get my phone to power on that night. We then had to deal with getting a new phone and apparently I hadn't turned on iCloud on my phone, so I lost all the pictures from the last 3 weeks. My pictures are so important to me, so I was just a mess. Along with that, I lost all my text messages with encouragement from friends and family. I lost my notes, which had all the sweetest things my kids said during this pregnancy and in the last few days since finding out about our miscarriage. I was just a mess, and prayed so hard that I could just get one break after everything else I was dealing with. New phones are so expensive, and I just felt stupid for even trying that phone bag.
After getting a new phone, we headed home so I at least get my last phone backup from the end of June, but I couldn't remember my iTunes password and it is encrypted in such a way that you can't change it, there are no password hints, and no rules about how many letters or anything. I tried everything, but couldn't get it to work. This may all sound so silly, but it was important to me and I felt like everything was just out of my control.
That night, as I put Colby to bed, a password popped into my head that I hadn't tried yet. I tried it the next morning, and it worked!! I was at least able to get everything up until the end of June, but the real tender mercy was that when my notes appeared on my phone, and the one about this pregnancy had everything up until July 9th. There is no way this would have happened without divine intervention because it doesn't make any sense! I did the back-up on June 29th!
Another sweet thing I don't want to forget is the personal sympathy card Dr. Northrop sent to our house. It was so thoughtful, and included a scripture that for every tear we shed, our Father in Heaven is shedding a tear. She genuinely cares for me and my family, and I've never felt such compassion from a doctor. When I went to my follow-up appointment, we cried and talked together for 45 minutes. My parents were still here, so I was able to go on my own. We discussed all my lab results, and it turns out that I do have a blood clotting disorder that is common (4 in 5 people have it), but that in a future pregnancy, I would need to be on a blood thinner. This also means that I am lacking in the enzyme that breaks down the B vitamins and folic acid. I am taking a daily vitamin that helps with this. My egg quality test was slightly lower (0.9) than the 1.0 they like to see, so I am taking CoQ10 which is supposed to help. She also recommended a book that is all about naturally increasing the quality of your eggs.
The pathology reports weren't in yet, but they did get in a few weeks later. Dr. Northrop called me early one morning to let me know that there were no chromosomal abnormalities, and that our baby was a little boy. It was a relief to know, but also sad at the same time. Based on the fact that there were no chromosomal abnormalities, she didn't feel like egg quality was the real issue here. The blood clotting disorder seemed to have a bigger role, so although it would be a big commitment, she recommended a daily shot of Lovonox, which is a blood thinner. I would give myself a shot every day of the pregnancy, and for 6 weeks after. This is all assuming that I get pregnant again, but it felt good to have options. We will still do the scope of my uterus in a few months, once I have had 2-3 regular cycles just to rule out a possible uterine problem. Again, I will meet my deductible this year, so we might as well.
There was one other blood test that came back abnormal, but we redid the test last week and will wait for the results. She also increased my thyroid medication based on my most recent blood tests. And that is where we stand. I had my first period last week, which wasn't nearly as bad as last time! Again, another tender mercy when I was dealing with everything else emotionally. Through it all, I feel like I've done well spiritually. I know that my Father in Heaven knows me and loves me, and I have faith that I will understand this all one day, even though I have pain now. A friend sent me this beautiful quote that said, "Hard times will consistently be there, but so will Christ." Truer words could not be said! I have felt strength in Christ, and through the Christlike love of family and friends.
