Girl's Camp was at the stake level this year and was held at Legacy Lake in Oklahoma. This is where we had ward camp last year, but I wasn't able to attend because it was right after my second miscarriage. Fast forward a year, and I was hesitant to volunteer to go to camp. Although I really wanted to be there with the girls, I had just started fertility treatments and was hoping to be pregnant by the time camp rolled around. My secretary Ashley volunteered (it's her family's property) as well as my counselor Teddi. A month or so before camp, Ashley let me know that her childcare fell through and she would be unable to go without taking her daughter. Teddi quickly let me know that our friend Joanna would love to go, which was such a relief. I love both of those women so much!
I knew the girls were in good hands, but it was hard to not feel guilty about skipping again. I have worked with the YW for almost 7 years and have yet to be one of our ward camp leaders. I have always either been pregnant, had a nursing baby, or had a recent miscarriage. With the exception of last year, I HAVE always been able to go up on Friday to attend dinner with the girls and be part of their testimony meeting. I was truly looking forward to it this year, but the day was a long one!
Earlier that week, a 10 year old boy in our ward passed away unexpectedly. He had special needs and was medically fragile, but it was all very sudden. His funeral was scheduled for that Friday at 10 AM, and although I planned to leave for camp at 10, my counselor Sandee and I decided to attend the funeral before driving the 4 hours up to camp.
Before the funeral, I also had a doctor's appointment to do pregnancy blood work. I was extremely anxious about this appointment and was trying to stay hopeful that the results would be positive. Everything looked good at each of my sonograms and I had moments of nausea which I hoped were good signs. I knew that they would call me a few hours later with results, and I debated about whether or not I would want to answer while driving to camp with Sandee. I decided that I would just let it go to voicemail and listen to the message when I could have a private moment to myself. I confirmed with the office that they had my consent on file to leave a detailed message, so I told Kevin that I would text him as soon as I knew anything. He asked if I wanted to wait until that night when we could be together, but I knew that would kill me to know that I had the message on my phone while I stayed in limbo.
As I walked out of the funeral (which was so beautiful), I looked at my phone and saw that I had missed a call from the doctor's office. I quickly rushed to the bathroom where I was going to change, and looked at the transcription of my voicemail. I was frustrated because it simply said, "Just calling to go over test results. Call us back at your earliest convenience." This is exactly what I was trying to avoid!! Sandee and I were both changing in the restroom, so I told her that I was going to make a quick phone call before we headed out. I stepped into one of the church classrooms and called the office. After being on hold for 5 or 6 minutes, the nurse got on to let me know that unfortunately, the results were negative. I was really disappointed, but had the strength to hold it together. I had been praying so hard that I would be prepared to accept whatever the outcome was, and I know that helped me in that moment. My parents were also praying hard for us, as well as other family and friends. Prayer definitely helps, and I have felt that immensely throughout this process!
After getting the results, I quickly texted Kevin, left the room, and pretended that all was well. After a few minutes in the car, I told Sandee about what the phone call was all about and it helped to talk about it a bit. I was still emotionally doing well, which was a huge blessing. After about 2 hours, we stopped for a quick bit to eat, then drove the other 2 hours before arriving at camp. According to the emailed camp schedule, we were supposed to leave by 5, which would have only given us an hour and a half there, haha! But thankfully, they were way off on the schedule and we had almost 3 hours with the girls.
I immediately noticed a difference in two of the girls in particular. They are both SUPER shy, and they were initiating conversation with me! It was really the craziest thing, but I could tell that the week at camp was good for them. I love seeing the girls at the end of the week because they are on a spiritual high and have had a week chock full of shared experiences. We enjoyed dinner, then separated by ward for testimony meeting. We were allowed 30 minutes for testimonies, which didn't seem like much time! Given our group this year, it was actually perfect. A few girls shared their testimonies at the beginning, and then it was just quiet for a while. I actually don't mind the quiet because I think it allows the girls to think about how they are feeling. I know they feel a bit of pressure to share, which I also don't think is always a bad thing. I did get up and share a brief testimony about our Savior and how my testimony has helped me through every tough time I have had in my life. The Bishop (who also drove up after the funeral) gave the girls a five minute warning so anyone wanting to share could still do so. Nobody stood up, so when the time passed, he said one more time that if anyone wanted to share a testimony, now was their time. One of the shy girls stood up and I about died. I have never heard her share a testimony, nor answer a question without being asked. She talked about how shy she is, but that the girls really helped her come out of that shell this week. She spoke about not being sure that she could feel the Spirit, and as she spoke she just cried and said that she DID feel it. It was such a powerful moment, and I felt so grateful for experiences like camp that allow these girls to discover for themselves that they can feel the Spirit and have a personal relationship with the Savior. Bishop closed the meeting with a beautiful testimony, and then we took a quick group picture.
We headed back to the main lodge where we had a closing program. President Munoz shared a few words, followed by each ward singing a song. When our ward stood to sing, "Strong" from the 2018 Youth Album, the Spirit hit me like a ton of bricks. I was trying to hold it together, but as I looked around at these girls who I love so much, I couldn't contain my tears. They truly are strong, and I felt the Spirit testify to me that I was also strong. The chorus says:
You are strong
Strong enough to make it through, whatever comes
You'l be amazed what you can do
You're a force, you're a fighter
A precious daughter of God
And He made you strong
This was exactly the reminder I needed after hearing the news from the doctor that morning. This whole infertility journey can be tough emotionally, physically, and even financially. But I know that my Heavenly Father is aware of my every emotion, pain, and struggle. That is what keeps me going. I also have the best family and friends who have shown such love and support!
Bev came to watch the kids on Thursday night so that I could do ALL the things on Friday. The kids love when she comes over, and I appreciate her help so much! She took the kids on a dollar store adventure, and she sent me this picture from when they returned, haha. Brooke's only new pictured item were the wings, but she had a whole ensemble planned for when she got home. Colby found his way into the dress ups and came out with a very unique outfit!
By the time I arrived home that night it was nearly midnight and I was beat! But I was super glad that I had the opportunity to go to camp, not only for the girls but also for myself. I'm grateful for the experiences we had together for those 3 hours, and I hope the girls will remember what they felt!
